Keep it down. I just got the kids to bed.
It's got to be loud. It's Cops.
You can't enjoy violence without volume.
You're right.
Look at this guy. He's running away.
Look at this guy go. Move it, dude.
What are you doing? You don't root for the perp.
- He's the underdog. - He's a criminaI.
Say, look at the moves on this guy. The Giants could use him.
Big mistake. He's going into the alley.
My boys should be coming right... now.
You seen this one already.
No. That's the way you do it, see? First of all, you set up a perimeter, right?
You close off all the avenues of escape. It's like catching a mouse.
I've seen you with a mouse.
Remember this?
Remember me beating the crap out of you?
They got the bracelets on him. He ain't going nowhere.
Of course he's not going anywhere. The show's called Cops. It's fixed.
- You never see the bad guy getting away. - Let them get their own show.
You see the way they ran that punk down?
- You ever run like that? - I've been known to.
- When do you run? - When I have to.
The last time you ran was when the wind took your balloon.
- What are you saying, Raymond? - Nothing.
You don't think I do this?
Come on. This is show biz.
This is three months of filming cut down to half an hour.
What?
- Wanna go on a ride-along? - What?
A citizen's ride-along.
Come on, big shot. Spend a shift in the back of my patroI car.
What? Drive around with you?
That's right. Put your ass where your mouth is.
- Why would I wanna... - You know what I mean.
- What's the matter? You scared? - I'm not scared. I'll go anytime.
- How about tonight? - I can't go tonight.
That's 'cause you're scared.
All right, go ahead. I'll go. You set it up, and I'll go.
All right. Fine.
I'll check with my partner, and we'll get you a vest.
What do you mean, a vest?
Bulletproof vest.
Okay, fine.
Go ahead. Go right ahead.
I'll just... I'll check with my partner. Hey, Deb.
Robert wants me to go with him on his patroI tonight, you know.
Sit in the car where all the action is, and wear a bulletproof vest. Okay?
Sure. Have fun.
Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island with my wife, Debra...
my 6-year-old daughter, and twin 2-year-old boys.
My parents...
live across the street. That's right.
And my brother lives with them.
Now, not every family would defy gravity for you...
but mine would because...
Everybody loves Raymond.
Hey, you didn't...
Frank, what are you doing?
Close the refrigerator. Put that on a plate.
I don't want a plate. I just want a couple of bites.
That's disgusting, sticking your fork in there.
- Now nobody else can eat it. - That's all it takes?
This fork was in the ice cream, too.
Hi, dear. You hungry?
I'm sorry, I can't offer you lasagna or ice cream.
Or chocolate cake.
He's like an animaI, marking his territory.
Come on. That was a compliment.
God, I wish this was the wrong house.
- Where's Robert? - He's going to work in a few minutes.
I know. I'm going with him.
- What? - Yeah.
Robert, you're taking Raymond to work with you?
Yeah. On a citizen ride-along.
No one discussed this with me. You're not going.
Ray, your mommy won't let you go.
Ma, I'm an adult, okay? I don't need a permission slip.
You do have to sign this release form.
The department can't guarantee your protection.
- I thought you were my protection. - No, he's not.
Robbie, give me that. Frank, do something!
Robert's putting Raymond in danger.
Danger? You wanna know danger?
Here we go.
Try Korea. They were firing at us with Kalashnikov rifles.
Those things snap off 30 rounds a second. What are you two gonna be doing?
Sitting in a squad car with a thermos full of cocoa?
Actually, no. That increases the frequency of urination.
I don't like any of this.
- Come on. Let's go, Raymond. - I'm ready.
Raymond, don't.
- I'm going, I'm going. Relax. - Robbie, don't.
All right, then. Why only Raymond? Take Debra and the kids, too.
That way I'll lose my whole family in one night.
At least take him.
-2-3, Sergeant. -2-3, Sergeant.
- You get that 10-10? - I copy.
- Sergeant? They call you sergeant? - That's his rank. Sit back.
Sergeant.
Do they know you lick your Q-Tips before you stick them in your ears?
Raymond.
I copy the 10-10. Open warehouse door, checked out okay.
Open door, yeah. Nobody even broke in.
Good thing I'm wearing the vest. It could've been drafty.
We better drive by later. If it's open again...
we'll call in a K9 car and send in the bow-wow.
That's a police dog.
Bow-wow's a police dog.
How do you crack that code?
That ain't funny. And you don't talk while we're on the radio. Now sit back.
I told you, Raymond. It's important that you not interfere with police business.
Well, what police business? We've been driving around for three hours.
- I saw more action on my paper route. - All right.
Maybe later we can climb a tree and save a meow-meow.
That's enough, Raymond.
I'm starting to see what you mean about your little brother.
- Yeah. See what I'm saying? - What? What does he say?
Sit back! I'm not gonna tell you again!
You just lost your tip.
There's nothing to do. I'm bored back here. At least run the siren a little.
This vest is a little smelly.
If you wash these with regular clothes, do they become bulletproof?
Okay.
-2-3, Sergeant. -2-3, Sergeant.
- Got an emergency call. Patching it through. - All right.
Emergency. You wanted action. Here we go.
Robbie, how's Raymond?
is he okay? I wanna talk to Raymond.
Ma!
I need these wrapped to go.
Everybody's asking for doggy bags. What am I supposed to eat?
Give me the usuaI. I'm going to the ladies' room.
Why are we taking a break? What are we taking a break from?
How about a break from your mouth?
She seems nice.
Sit down, Raymond.
Sit down. I wanna talk to you.
All right. But I have a right to a ginger ale. You know that.
Just stop it, okay?
I'm sorry this is such a slow night for you.
No. There was that open door.
Enough, Raymond. Okay?
A slow night for you is a good night for me. Do you understand?
You have no idea what this job entails.
Your attitude is an insult to me, my partner, and every other cop on the force.
Relax, Robert. I'm joking here, that's all.
Yeah, right. They're just little jokes, right? I'm one big joke to you.
My height, my little quirks, the year I had an Afro.
- Now, come on. That was funny. - It was the style then, man.
All right. Come on. Relax.
You guys gonna order, or can I grab a smoke?
- What do you want to eat? I'm buying. - I'm not hungry.
Come on. I'll buy for Judy, too. What does she eat? Little kids?
You can't stop, can you?
Look, when you're ready, I'm out back.
- Robert. - What?
Over there.
Get down.
Robert, I left my vest in the car.
Now whatever happens, stay down.
No, wait. Call the police.
Come on, let's go. Hurry up. Come on.
- Get your hands behind your back. - I didn't do anything!
You didn't do anything, huh? Is that what you think?
Is everybody okay? Nemo, you all right? How we doing, huh?
- Wise guy. - What happened here?
Well, we got a 10-30. Better check outside.
- You all right, Nemo? - Yeah.
No getaway car. Got no friends?
It's all right. We'll give him a ride. Get him out of here.
I'll radio it in.
Come on, Ray. You can ride up front.
Come on. What are you looking at?
Suzy, pick up that pizza, will you? Unless the people want a new one.
Ray, what time is it?
What are you doing? Why are you Iying there like that?
- Take your clothes off. - I'm not in the mood.
What are you talking about?
How was the ride-along?
It was very boring. Followed by a short period of terrifying.
What do you mean? What happened?
We went into Nemo's for a break, and a guy came in with a gun.
My God. What do you mean, a gun?
A gun. I mean a gun. A thing they use to rob things.
- What are you doing with a gun? - Nothing. I didn't have the gun.
I mean, near a gun. Who told you to go out and be with guns?
- You did. - I did not.
I said you could ride in the back of Robert's police car.
I never said you should get out of the car.
- I'm okay. - You jerk! You idiot!
- I'm okay. - Stupid. How could you?
I need my vest again.
Oh, my God! How did this happen? What happened?
Nothing. 'Cause Robert stopped the guy.
And then we took him to the station.
Then Robert booked him and printed him.
And then I told Robert I had to throw up, and Judy took me home.
- How is Robert? - He's fine. He's...
I've never seen him like that. He just took controI.
It's like, one minute he's my brother who eats like this.
And the next minute, he's like this cop.
Why? What did he do?
I don't know. It happened so fast. I don't know exactly.
And my view was a little obstructed by the table leg.
- Honey, were you scared? - A little.
Yeah. But, Robert, you know, was not.
- You know, that's his job. - I know. But I couldn't do that.
I mean, what's the most dangerous thing I do?
I let the kids jump on me without wearing a cup.
Robert, he's really...
You're proud of him.
Well, he's like a hero.
You know, and everybody's always making a big fuss about what I do...
just 'cause I have some column.
Robert's the one whose name should be in the paper.
Did you tell him that?
You know what? I'm gonna do better than that.
- Who are you calling? - Hold on.
Hey, Max. Yeah, it's Ray.
Listen, you didn't put the paper to bed yet, did you?
Okay, great. I got a great story.
I went with my brother on this police ride-along.
Yeah, the big guy. Yeah, the chin-toucher.
Yeah. Listen. You're not gonna believe what happened.
- Honey, what are you doing? - Cutting Molly's hair.
No, sweetie, if you cut a doll's hair it doesn't grow back.
Only people hair grows back.
Geoffrey!
No. Sweetie, that's okay. Cut the doll's hair.
Here. See? You missed a spot.
- Is the article in there? - I can't find it.
- Oh, no. - What, they didn't print it?
Look at that.
- That's you. - I know. That's a picture of me. Why?
"Newsday's own Ray Barone survives pizza holdup.
I thought it was supposed to be about Robert.
It was!
Sports columnist, Ray Barone, while on a citizen ride-along...
"narrowly escaped gunplay when an armed robber... "
Does it mention him at all?
"Police apprehended the suspect. "
- Police. He didn't mention him. - He is police.
No. What did they do?
Maybe Robert won't read the paper today.
He's Robert. He reads it every day.
He reads it. He taps his chin 12 times with it, and he reads it again.
Hey, Robert.
Oh, you read the paper.
I only wish I didn't have to read it again.
- "Newsday's own Ray Barone... - Okay. Let me explain.
Oh, no. No need.
- Listen, the reason I called the paper... - The reason, Raymond?
I think I know the reason. It's called self-promotion.
- What? No. - What's the matter, Raymond, huh?
Sports section isn't enough anymore?
- Come on... - You have to be all over the paper.
Why don't you hop on the subway, make the traveI section?
- All right. Come on. - How about the food section:
"Newsday's own Ray Barone enjoys salami sandwich.
I'll tell you what. I'll give you change for $1. You can make the financiaI pages:
"Ray Barone converts paper into coin. "
- Are you through? - Yes.
Unless you're gonna be changing your clothes today.
- Fashion pages! - I get it, Robert.
Why are people talking? It's 8:00 in the morning.
No talking before 9:00.
Good, Raymond. You're back.
- You're hungry? - No, thanks, Mom.
- So how was it? - Here. You can read about it in the paper.
No. Come on, Robert.
Robert, what is that?
"Newsday's own Ray Barone survives... Guns?
Listen. The point was...
What did you do to your brother?
- What? What happened? - Nothing happened.
Nemo's was robbed, and Raymond was there.
I knew that something would happen to him.
What happened to him? He's standing here. He's fine.
Let's celebrate with the making of some eggs.
- Are you okay, sweetie? - Yes, I'm okay because Robert...
How could you do that to your brother? He could've been killed.
- Ma, you don't understand... - Be quiet.
What business do you have getting involved...
in something like that with your brother there? He's gentle!
- Police business, Mom. My job? - Stop with the excuses.
No more tag-arounds.
It's a "ride-along," Ma. Okay?
You don't have to worry anymore 'cause it'll never happen again.
Gentle Raymond can stay as far away from me as possible.
Come on, Robert.
All right. You must be upset, sweetie.
I'll make you some oatmeaI. That'll settle your stomach.
Who the hell voted for oatmeaI?
Forget the oatmeaI. Why are you doing that to him?
Do what?
You act like it's nothing, what he does. He stopped an armed robbery last night.
- I didn't do anything. I had to throw up. - You threw up?
You should have some dry toast.
Will you stop? Robert's the one you should be worried about.
Are you listening to me, Ma?
He's the one who's out there every day. He's the one who's risking his life.
I know what he does. I don't need to think about it.
Okay. I just wanted you to know.
Enough! Your mother doesn't like to think about it.
Now you made me forget...
What is it, oatmeaI or eggs, Marie? Let's go!
- Okay. - Come on!
Excuse me.
- You taking Shamsky for a walk? - Yep.
- Maybe I'll go with you. - Well, you better check with your mama.
Come on, Robert. Wait up.
It's cold. You two, button your coats.
- So... - Yeah?
You always walk him this early?
I got to get him to the park before the other dogs.
- Why, he fights? - No. Shy bladder.
Listen, the newspaper thing. It was supposed to be about you.
- You know, I told them... - No. Listen, I knowhow that stuff works.
You work for the paper, people know who you are...
- you're the important part. - No. You were the important part.
All right. Listen, I'm fine with it, okay?
- It doesn't matter to me what people think. - I know.
I'm glad I saw that, though, 'cause you were...
something.
Thanks.
Wanna go again tonight?
What, are you nuts?
- Well, how about to the park? - Yeah, okay. Park, okay.
- You gonna button your coat? - No.
No. Me neither.
You couldn't listen to your mother.
Next time I say button your coats, maybe you'll button your coats.
And no more Cops. That's not entertainment.